On Sunday I was feeling like I wasn’t very good at much of anything I do.
Ever feel that way?
On this particular day, I felt I wasn’t a very good pastor’s wife.
It’s been a difficult year and a half or so of transitions at our church. And we’ve been through a lot of battles and broken hearts. And sometimes I think to myself, “I just can’t do this anymore.”
On Sunday I prayed, “Lord, I’ll keep doing this if you want me to, but I need your grace to do it. I’m just not feeling like I’m very good at it and I’m not sure I want keep on trying.”
You’d think after 32 years I’d hit my stride or something, but nope. I still have self-doubts. I still wonder if I’m doing something wrong.
I know that in my heart I’m doing the best that I can. But I do have a fear of growing bitter and not better with each struggle. It never gets easier. It’s always very difficult work. And God called me, the most unlikely of mortals, to do this loving-difficult-people thing. I don’t have a rhino skin. I’m a sensitive soul. Very tenderhearted. I get hurt easily.
Why on earth would God call someone like me to do His work?
Makes no sense, does it?
So I prayed and I felt the Lord nudging me. “You can trust me, Karla. I have a plan. You can’t see the big picture. I can.”
Oh, to rest in that trust.
I tend to go kicking and screaming into rest. It’s not my nature. I’m a fixer. A doer.
Just rest in His plan?
Not as easy as it sounds.
But it’s a command, isn’t it?
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
God never intended for me to do this by myself. He never wanted to burden me down with His concerns. These kingdom things are all His to figure out, aren’t they?
I’m still learning how to trust Him with my life even when it doesn’t make sense. I thought I’d learned that lesson long ago. But apparently, I must still need some practice.